Inhale At Your Own Risk

If there is anyone out there reading in blogland who does not currently have children I want you to stop. Only for a minute. I want you to get up from your computer and go immediately to your car, for one big inhale. Just one, it won't take long. Go ahead, I'll wait....

Did you go? I will bet you five bucks it was heaven compared to my odiferous fun wagon. These are the good old days for anyone who has yet to "tote the toddler" on a full time basis.

Someday I am going to invent something that allows us to capture good smells. Maybe like a smelly scrapbook of sorts. An olfactory album, it is a million dollar idea. I could whip out my olfactory album just when I need to remember I once had a life that did not include 4 day old milky sippy cups and barf before morning coffee. I fantasize about my car smelling like expensive leather attache bags and a pricey detail job. At this point I would settle for one of those tacky little Yankee Candle thingies you hang from the rear view mirror. It's that bad.

Back to my offensive smelling kid taxi. A few days ago my poor little kidlet up-chucked the entire contents of her breakfast and maybe some of the previous night's dinner while in route to the mall. I thought I was diligent and cleaned it all up. Three days later I entered the car...we'd been driving main muffin man's nicely cleaned rig around all weekend. He pretty much refuses to come within 6 feet of my car these days.

Upon opening the door I was sure that some animal had up and died in the backseat. Then I was unhappily reminded...barf incident. Oooh yeah.

Ooh my, colorful flashback. University of Pittsburgh, 1987 freshman dorm elevator. Some ridiculously low IQ'd walk-on football player and his band of brothers had used the elevator for their personal porcelain goddess one Saturday night. It was weeks before the air started to clear, and believe me I lived on the 15th floor and was held completely captive...I remember.

So, I spent an hour with clorox wipes, the car seat manual to tell me how to get the damn upholstery off without using scissors. Since I just bought a new carseat I would like to use it for more than 6 weeks. Yes, and I got intimate with a big bottle of febreeze too. I made progress...it wasn't perfect but hey the car is 5 years old and I've been toting Miss Smelly Pants around for 3. Let's be realistic.

As I was struggling to put the car seat upholstery back together I remembered my father suggesting an engineering degree like his. Grrr. Why did I never listen to my parents? Ten minutes pass, I started to curse myself for not trying harder in physics or math or whatever might make this easier. Another 5 minutes, and I start to curse the idiotic engineers who work for the car seat company. Come on people it's a car seat. Do we all really need master's degrees to be able to re-assemble the thing?

Later that afternoon Ava and I are back in the car. She has fallen asleep and I don't have the heart to wake her. So I roll the windows down, pull into the garage and leave the inside door open so I can hear when she wakes. Half an hour later I hear, "Mommy, Mommy come get me."

She looks up at me in horror. "Mommy I pee'd the car seat when I was asleep."

Fabulous. Calgon...where are the Calgon people? And will they babysit, a little light car cleaning perhaps?

Oh well, I am now going to call the Graco people and offer my consulting services for $50 an hour to help people learn to take apart and re-assemble their carseats for cleaning purposes. I will also throw in a lesson on:

1. the best way to nurse a bruise on your head after hitting against the wall in frustration
2. new ways to curse under your breath so small children do not learn 4 letter words and finally;
3. creating Zen moments in your life with a 3 year old

Anyone with a currently great smelling car want to sign up for consulting services?