Hmm...5pm. Prop Ava up in front of Dora video while mama gets cleaned up for Date Night.
Date night is simply code for parents getting to do what they used to do on a weekly basis before kidlets entered the picture. But alas, it is now something special and thus needs its own special title...Date Night. Let's be frank it's in the same category as mini van and chubby hubby gets new lawn mower while secretly doing the happy dance in the corner.
Justification: it's only 45 minutes of Dora and besides she's going to Bingo Night with LBF (little best friend). Bingo has numbers, it can be classified as educational. Ergo, Dora now educational bingo later. Dharma has professed itself..the universe is as one. Perhaps it's a stretch, I admit. Muffin man is going to get himself a hotty on his arm even if I end up having to rent a hotty. Since I don't really know any hotties, I'll have to worry about that later.
Enter closet. It's messy in there, start with the shower. Turn shower on. Enter closet again, staring aimlessly. Need style guy.
Style Guy: Hey, here I am. Up in your head, looking fabulous.
Me: Great, help me out. I simply can't wear the same mom jeans tonight. And, no comfy shoes either. Those Birkies are looking a little tired.
Style Guy: One suggestion. How about you opt out of a turtleneck. Just this once. Don't you
think Muffin Man might like to see a little ha ha? What is the deal with you and turtlenecks?
Me: Hey, I like turtlenecks. Smart women wear turtle necks. They make me feel my
Style Guy: Being born in Niagara County does not technically count as New York chic, we've
already been over that.
Me: I have a few that are sort of form fitting. Doesn't that count for anything?
Style Guy: I've said it once I'll say it again. Those girl puppies should see a little night life. You
went to the trouble to have them reconstructed after all. What do the Black Eyed Peas say? Love those lady lumps.
Me: Oh for God's sake. Where is my red turtle neck?
Style Guy: How about the black velvet jeans?
Me: Oooh, I don't know. I might need to drop 5 before those make my ass look smaller than the Titanic.
Style Guy: I will not play the "Does This Make Me Look Fat?" game with you. You know the
rules, adult conversation or I go next door to help the lady with 6 kids. Rumour is that she might get a Date Night in the year 2012 and I would have to prepare..emotionally and all.
Me: Fine, velvet jeans it is.
Style Guy: Ok, about shoes. You are forbidden from buying any more in the sensible category. Every once in a while you get to go out but you spend all your money on little girl clothes. What is up with that? She's four now, are you going to get over the pink dress with matching hair bow stuff?
Me: In my defense, I waited a long time to shop at Baby Gap and Gymboree. It makes
Style Guy: Are you happy now? What have you done for yourself lately? (Cue Janet Jackson
music here.) You have only one pair of decent black boots.
Me: Ok, cool. Black boots it is. I like them, they make my size ten foot look skinny.
Style Guy: So, you''ve given up on a skinny ass and are placated by skinny feet?
Me: Well, yes. It lets me keep my wine and cheese habit going.
Hair styling 5 minutes. Make-up 3 minutes. Same as normal, but honestly intend to find red lipstick somewhere in drawer, or basket, or old purse, or damn..it might be Carmex like usual.
Style Guy: Nope. Gotta find red lippy.
Me: FINE...I think Ava took it.
Style Guy: Cop out.
Me: You are right, if Ava had taken it it would now be smooshed into the carpet. I admit.
Style Guy: That's what I like about you. You can be reasonable when pushed. Check in the old basket in the linen closet.
Me: Hey, looky here. Ava's red glittery nail polish. Maybe I could borrow it. Yeah.
Style Guy: What? No.
Me: This month's issue of Parenting magazine had a whole 2 page spread on the accessories you can steal from your kid. I think this might qualify.
Style Guy: Am I getting paid time and a 1/2 since it is after 5pm? Apparently you don't even
want to work with me...you are letting Parenting magazine influence your sense of STYLE? This is a new low...even for you.
Me: Temperamental bitch.
Style Guy: I'll take that as a compliment.
Me: Hey, here is my red lipstick. Party on Wayne!
Style Guy: Huh?
Style Guy: Now, what about a little eyeshadow?
Me: Huh? Can't do it, it's beyond me.
Style Guy: What do you mean "beyond me"? Word on the street is that some women actually
use a little makeup beyond the cover dark circles realm, you know?
Me: Don't push me. I found the red lipstick. That automatically qualifies me for hotty
for the night and I don't have to rent anyone for the Muffin Man. All is well in the cul-de-sac.
Style Guy: All in a night's work. But I need a dirty martini. Quick.