My baby and I were snuggled up on the couch the other night to settle in for an evening of Christmas time tv. You know..Grinch, Santa's Comin' to Town, Charlie Brown etc... It seems like with the ridiculous number of cable channels we receive we can watch something cartoony and Chirstmasy each night in the month of December if we wanted.
I guess that is why our little conversation that followed sort of surprised me. I was expecting mindless jingle bell tunes followed by brush the teeth and off to bed.
She was snuggled in beside me and started to pat my stomach. "Hey Mommy, I know I did not come from there (pointing to my stomach) but can I just pretend that I did?" Wow, gulp. "Sure, you can pretend that if you'd like.", I say. She went on to say, "I know I have a birthmother but I just want to pretend that I came from you instead."
Oh, stab to my heart of hearts.
"Do you think you will ever have a baby that comes from there (again pointing to my stomach)?" "Well, I am pretty sure that I won't. All my babies come from China.", I say.
"Oh.", she says sort of softly. "You know I love you more than anything right babe, and it is ok that you came through your birthmother right?", I say to her. "Yeah, I know.", she says.
So, was she simply trying to tell me in a special way that she loves me? Was she trying to be close to me? Is she starting to emotionally process her adoption story and her loss? Was she trying to verbalize an unsettledness about being adopted? Up until now most of her adoption understanding has seemed methodical and more cognitive. She is just so darned sure of herself and strong most of the time. Her sentimental side can throw me off kilter.
I suppose I am lucky if this is the first of these little conversations. Its got to be more healthy if she comes to us with these thoughts rather than stuffing them inside for the next 18 or so years. Oh, the joys of the big therapy bill. I guess we will just have to see what the future brings.