Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Hunan Reminds Me Of A Mother's Ache

After reading this I must admit that I've been in a little bit of a tail spin the last few days. But as always I try my hardest to do a little self talk in situations like this. I try to think clearly with my rational mind and then blend that with my spiritual and intuitive self. Especially when it is an issue where I know that I have absolutely no control. I cannot do anything about the China Center for Adoption Affairs (CCAA) and how they handle the implications of improper baby trafficking for monetary gain in my daughter's home province of Hunan.

So this is how it has been for the last few days...worry about baby trafficking and children and birthparents who might have been involved...then calm down, it is rumor. Worry that my beloved child might not have been relinquished by parents who chose that avenue...calm down, there is no way to ever know and worrying about it only puts negative energy out there. Rev up again and worry that any scandal will delay or worse our pending second adoption...push the negative aside and choose not to worry because I just can't do anything about it.

It is kind of my own little personal roller coaster ride, filled with drama and strife.

Honestly though it has given me a little light bulb moment. I was in the Gap this morning as I was supposed to be shopping for others and I was debating a little To Me From Me gift, the best kind in my book. Then I ditched the pink sweater and felt pulled to the little girls section. I looked at little hats and mittens in tiny little sizes and felt the same ache that I felt when I was waiting for Ava. It almost made me cry right there in the Gap. I realized how much I want this new baby, not just as a sibling for Ava, not just as a daughter for my husband because he wants another child so much, but because I was a mother aching for her baby, one that is born just not home yet.

When we were waiting for Ava I felt like this all the time. I knew what it felt like to yearn for a child, smell her even though she lived continents away, feel her skin, smooth her spiky black hair with my thumb. But with this new child we are waiting for I sometimes feel guiltily selfish. I know now it won't be all sunshine and roses. I know the exhaustion that motherhood can bring. I question sometimes whether I should tip the delicate balance of us as three. Will I be able to listen to Ava any more when I am pulled in different directions, I know she needs so much listening to.

But, through my worry about the China program and Hunan baby selling and all of the rumors I now feel like I am longing for the baby as much as I ached for Ava. And that is a gift, regardless of what happens in the world that is out of my control.


Traci said...

We are anxiously waiting for (and praying to be part of) Olivia's gotcha' moment. Awaiting the day that we can see Olivia in the arms of her Mommy, waiting for the day to see your Momma's heart filled with love, joy and peace as you stare into your daughters eyes!

Colleen said...

You know sometimes you write exactly what I'm thinking. I'm often worried that I'm "jinxing" things by expanding our family of 3 to a family of 4. And then suddenly I well up with tears over an ornament for my daughter who I know is born but isn't yet here.

And it makes me realize that my worries pale in comparison to my desire to have her home!

Hang in there! We're all in this together.

Stephanie V said...

Oh Perrin, that was so beautiful and so well spoken.

You need to print that out to give to your little one some day.