Sunday, March 26, 2006

No Soup For You

Ahhh, it's been a wee bit of a let down here at Adoptive Baby Watch 2006 central today. Perhaps I'm a little bummed that my darling brother has left for the weekend, he was a nice baby distraction, wonderful company this weekend and all around good guy to have around the house.

Ava decided to color her name on a kitchen chair this morning with pink marker. That should have been enough to cure the "all I want is another one" blues. And it did for 20 minutes...I'm gonna kill her...oh, doesn't every kid do this at one point?...I'm gonna kill her since she is unrepentant...oh, perhaps she's just testing her limits, she's four, I'm gonna kill I'm not, I want to give her a sister. Sniff sniff.

Am I experiencing a wee bit of pre-adoption blues? I fluctuate between wanting a baby so badly I can taste it to don't I have my hands quite full with my rambunctious sometimes cat-like 4 year-old? She can wander through whole days doing her own thing, purposely defying my every wish. She will sometimes defy me in public to the tune of running aimlessly through store aisles and I skreech at her under my breath, stay with me...make sure you can see me, you scare me with that behavior when you run away. But then, she will close the day by looking up at me gently stroking my lips saying, "Pretty Mommy, you are simply the best. I love you." And my heart melts, it aches as I hold her. I have never smelled anything so sweet as her silky head. The rough patch of skin on her cheek makes me want to gather take my tired glum body from the couch to get lotion to try to smooth it out. I've never experienced such a rollercoaster of love and frustration. For her, my first. And also for the baby that waits us to come pick her up. I wonder if I will live to breathe in the way her head smells. Will I get to twirl her hair around my finger while watching tv? Will she be even more independent than my first? Could I take it if she were? Will she be the cuddly child who fits perfectly into my lap and chest? Will I choose to let the wait torment my soul, longing for a due date another month? Maybe two?

Only time will tell...right?


Traci said...

Hang in there Friend. Having two will be great. You'll continue to be a great mother. AND, drumroll please, we WILL go to bring our daughters 2006.

I'm with you though. I need off of this rollercoaster ride for awhile. My heart just can't take much more.

Thinking of you, Ava and Muffin Man tonight.


Colleen said...

Perrin -
The reason I like your blog so much is you often write exactly what I'm thinking. These are all my same fears of bringing home a sibling for my now 5 year old.

We're on the roller-coaster of parenthood and the adoption wait at the same time.

It's sometimes hard for me to decide if I'm overwhelmed by how long the wait is taking or I'm overwhelmed thinking how soon I will be the mother of 2 and how the heck will I find the energy for that?

Gracencameronsmomy said...

Sorry, this might(will) be long. After going through infertility, I was just so happy to finally Have a baby, I swore I would never ask for another thing. Ever. Then he turned one and all of my friends started getting pregnant again. And I REALLY wanted another one. Our family just didn't feel complete. I can't explain WHY I wanted more kids (can anyone?) I just really did. It didn't help that when we started the adoption process, all my friends had gien birth and all they did was complain about how HARD it was to have two and how I should just be happy with my one. I had it so easy.
I would leave our playgroups crying. I couldn't believe that I could want another chid as much as I wanted the first one. Then we adopted Gracie. (the wait was supposed to be 11 months, and it was only 6-lucky!)And two IS hard. I am the first to admit it, but would neer try and talk anyone out of it... But just as it is twice the tantrums, messes and work, it is also twice the kisses, smiles and love! And it is so worth it! I hope it happens for you soon.
PS we are hoping to start for number 3 soon!

Kristin said...

My heart goes out to all of you during this long and questionable wait... the uncertainty would be making me crazy... as Traci said, the rollercoaster is taking it's toll.

At least you have Ava to help you remember that this process does end... it isn't some cruel joke and, at the end, there is your baby.