Ahhh, it's been a wee bit of a let down here at Adoptive Baby Watch 2006 central today. Perhaps I'm a little bummed that my darling brother has left for the weekend, he was a nice baby distraction, wonderful company this weekend and all around good guy to have around the house.
Ava decided to color her name on a kitchen chair this morning with pink marker. That should have been enough to cure the "all I want is another one" blues. And it did for 20 minutes...I'm gonna kill her...oh, doesn't every kid do this at one point?...I'm gonna kill her since she is unrepentant...oh, perhaps she's just testing her limits, she's four, I'm gonna kill her...no I'm not, I want to give her a sister. Sniff sniff.
Am I experiencing a wee bit of pre-adoption blues? I fluctuate between wanting a baby so badly I can taste it to don't I have my hands quite full with my rambunctious sometimes cat-like 4 year-old? She can wander through whole days doing her own thing, purposely defying my every wish. She will sometimes defy me in public to the tune of running aimlessly through store aisles and I skreech at her under my breath, stay with me...make sure you can see me, you scare me with that behavior when you run away. But then, she will close the day by looking up at me gently stroking my lips saying, "Pretty Mommy, you are simply the best. I love you." And my heart melts, it aches as I hold her. I have never smelled anything so sweet as her silky head. The rough patch of skin on her cheek makes me want to gather take my tired glum body from the couch to get lotion to try to smooth it out. I've never experienced such a rollercoaster of love and frustration. For her, my first. And also for the baby that waits us to come pick her up. I wonder if I will live to breathe in the way her head smells. Will I get to twirl her hair around my finger while watching tv? Will she be even more independent than my first? Could I take it if she were? Will she be the cuddly child who fits perfectly into my lap and chest? Will I choose to let the wait torment my soul, longing for a due date another month? Maybe two?
Only time will tell...right?