One adoptive mom wants to somewhat discreetly go to bank to pick up truckload of cash "stuck in 1973" agency requires to be carried on person to China for 2 week adoption trip. Has no one heard of a little thing called wire transfer they invented about the same time the second James Bond movie came out? Yes, that was a Sean Connery flick by the way. Miss Moneypenny, ironically enough, was wearing pointy a tits bra, it was that long ago. Did I ever mention that my husband is the sole person on earth who truly thinks pointy tits bras were a fashion statement worthy of re-thinking? He loves them, I think this is hilarious in a twisted sort of way. Sorry, I digress.
One adoptive mom has no other choice but to drag less than discreet 4 year old along for high powered finanacial transaction. Muffin man is gallavanting again at some work related golf outing in Chicago. Work related, right. The only bonus to this is he promises me he is going to win the corvette they are giving away and give to to me. How sweet is that in a hit her over the head and drag her by the hair back to the cave sort of way? Corvette, fine...cash it in and buy me business class tickets to China buddy. Better yet...buy ME and upgade and keep the 4 year old in cattle class. See you in Beijing. So, he's gone I gotta take Ava to the bank with me to count out clean hundred dollar bills.
Can you see where this might go wrong?
She marches into the bank lobby and sets up shop at the coffee table with crayons and bank logo paper. I approach the window, calmly and quietly. (I was about to withdraw mucho dinero after all.) The teller knows us. She immediately starts whipping out wads of 100's. I frown and ask for a back room. She calmly states there is no back room, there is a coffee table but that is already being used by another bank customer. Turns out in a strange turn of events the other bank customer is my four year old drawing rainbows while singing the Wonder Pet's Theme Song at the top of her lungs. She breaks only to ask if she can see all the money and where is her root beer sucker? I quickly flash her the evil eye and say, "No root beer sucker if you are talking about money. I will show you the money at home. " Icksnay on the oneymay, I try in pig latin with her. She starts giggling uncontrollably, I mean big belly laughs which result in her falling on the floor and writhing in humor. Now the loan lady's interest is peaked and she wants to get all chatty about the ins and outs of a Chinese adoption. "Oh, are you going back?", she bellows. I bury my head acting all confused and flustered with that much green in my greasy palms. Go-away-people. If I get robbed I'm blaming Ava, I'm not above it.
In between me multitasking flicking 50's around and tossing Ava that sucker I realize that most of this money is not super new. China likes super new money. I asked for super new money. The teller states that her supervisor stated this would be fine. Really? Has the supervisor ever been reamed in a Changsha hotel for trying to pass a 100 dollar bill with one little dog ear bend? I think probably not. My patience is wearing thin, but if I want to get out of there to go home and stash the cash under my mattess for the next two weeks I better quit complaining and start scooping up rainbow pictures off the floor before Ava asks for tape to "decorate" the lobby.
Ultimately we left with 6 new rainbow pictures and a possible cavity. Oh yes, and heavy purse full of the green stuff. It is buried under the airconditioning unit in case you see fit to stop by the cul-de-sac late tonight. It worked for Tony Soprano...it can work for us.
And, yes I did let Ava sniff it when we got home. Just for a few more shits and giggles.