Thursday, August 10, 2006

Got the Money, Honey?

Picture This:

One adoptive mom wants to somewhat discreetly go to bank to pick up truckload of cash "stuck in 1973" agency requires to be carried on person to China for 2 week adoption trip. Has no one heard of a little thing called wire transfer they invented about the same time the second James Bond movie came out? Yes, that was a Sean Connery flick by the way. Miss Moneypenny, ironically enough, was wearing pointy a tits bra, it was that long ago. Did I ever mention that my husband is the sole person on earth who truly thinks pointy tits bras were a fashion statement worthy of re-thinking? He loves them, I think this is hilarious in a twisted sort of way. Sorry, I digress.

One adoptive mom has no other choice but to drag less than discreet 4 year old along for high powered finanacial transaction. Muffin man is gallavanting again at some work related golf outing in Chicago. Work related, right. The only bonus to this is he promises me he is going to win the corvette they are giving away and give to to me. How sweet is that in a hit her over the head and drag her by the hair back to the cave sort of way? Corvette, it in and buy me business class tickets to China buddy. Better ME and upgade and keep the 4 year old in cattle class. See you in Beijing. So, he's gone I gotta take Ava to the bank with me to count out clean hundred dollar bills.

Can you see where this might go wrong?

She marches into the bank lobby and sets up shop at the coffee table with crayons and bank logo paper. I approach the window, calmly and quietly. (I was about to withdraw mucho dinero after all.) The teller knows us. She immediately starts whipping out wads of 100's. I frown and ask for a back room. She calmly states there is no back room, there is a coffee table but that is already being used by another bank customer. Turns out in a strange turn of events the other bank customer is my four year old drawing rainbows while singing the Wonder Pet's Theme Song at the top of her lungs. She breaks only to ask if she can see all the money and where is her root beer sucker? I quickly flash her the evil eye and say, "No root beer sucker if you are talking about money. I will show you the money at home. " Icksnay on the oneymay, I try in pig latin with her. She starts giggling uncontrollably, I mean big belly laughs which result in her falling on the floor and writhing in humor. Now the loan lady's interest is peaked and she wants to get all chatty about the ins and outs of a Chinese adoption. "Oh, are you going back?", she bellows. I bury my head acting all confused and flustered with that much green in my greasy palms. Go-away-people. If I get robbed I'm blaming Ava, I'm not above it.

In between me multitasking flicking 50's around and tossing Ava that sucker I realize that most of this money is not super new. China likes super new money. I asked for super new money. The teller states that her supervisor stated this would be fine. Really? Has the supervisor ever been reamed in a Changsha hotel for trying to pass a 100 dollar bill with one little dog ear bend? I think probably not. My patience is wearing thin, but if I want to get out of there to go home and stash the cash under my mattess for the next two weeks I better quit complaining and start scooping up rainbow pictures off the floor before Ava asks for tape to "decorate" the lobby.

Ultimately we left with 6 new rainbow pictures and a possible cavity. Oh yes, and heavy purse full of the green stuff. It is buried under the airconditioning unit in case you see fit to stop by the cul-de-sac late tonight. It worked for Tony can work for us.

And, yes I did let Ava sniff it when we got home. Just for a few more shits and giggles.


Colleen said...

Should I stress over the money because I feel stressed over the money. I haven't even got the damn referral yet and I'm stressed that my bank won't get me "new enough" bills.

And then what? Do you wrap it in triple ziploc to make sure it stays "fresh"? You see my worries.

Wendy said...

I am so glad our agency has heard of wire transfer. I certainly don't need to be worrying about crisp, new $100 bills. I'm sure they don't have any here in Oregon!

Johnny said...

I think I still have 3 "supe crisp" bills left over from the last trip I just couldn't bear to part with and kept.

Probably knew deep down that I would be needing them 2 years later.

Yes, I know and understand the meaning of "crisp"

Jessi said...

I'm panicking about the money too. Just the thought of having that much cash in my possession and having to carry it around for a while gives me hives.

Space Mom said...

You have GOT to be kidding me! THey want CASH? What the hell is cash?

Sigh.. Just wait until you get to hear the Wonder Pet theme IN STEREO!!!
OMG, And out of tune! By Both of them! I had that to wake up to this morning!


Stephanie V said...

We, no-no, I had to write a letter to my bank stating WHY I wanted new $100 bills. I think at some point I said "it's my money" but nay I was forced to write a letter to ask for my money be given to me.

So we get the call from the bank saying they have everything read for us, Mark schleps all the way downtown, they take him into a little room, closes the door, and opens an envelope incased in two outer envelopes and a sealed plastic bag ala CSI style. Inside are brand new bills from the treasury with sequential serial numbers.

I kind of feel like I'm laundering money.

My agency does in fact have the option of wiring, but they charge like $300 to do it and I'm cheap so I'm going to make Mark strap those babies on his bod and carry them the 24 hours it's going to take us to get to China. I'm laughing a little just typing that.

And I feel so inferior, what is/are the Wonder Pets?

Nda Ia eelfa osa nferioria, hatwa sia/rea heta Onderwa Etspa?

Sandy said...

Hi Perrin, I'm Traci's sister ("Aunt Sandy") and want to tell you how much I enjoy reading your posts. Have you considered writing books? You are hilarious and have quite a way with words!

Thanks for letting me follow your journey to Olivia. I look forward to meeting you, Ava & Olivia one day (and Muffin Man too if he makes the trip over).

iigolk said...

I keep imagining that sweaty money belt around my waist for that long flight. Arrrggggghhhhh!

I wonder if we should risk filling said agency in on the new technology. Naaaaaaa, they don't seem to care what we think.


Anonymous said...

I believe the vast majority of agencies require you to bring cash. We had to do it both times, and a friend-of-a-friend in another state is getting her cash together now. We weren't required to bring 'new' 100s, just ones in general good shape. It's unnerving to travel with the money, but just get several money belts or leg-strap pouches, and it'll be ok. I don't know how your agency works, but we were allowed to hand over the vast majority of cash to our guide the minute we arrived - no longer our worry. - Debbie